


Lioness

by gillyAnne



Category: The Fall (TV 2013), The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Crossover, Cuddling, Depression, F/F, Stella comforting Dana, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 09:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20387386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillyAnne/pseuds/gillyAnne
Summary: Summary: Scully isn’t feeling herself lately and Stella decides to try and show her that she’s perfect just the way she is.This is set in future days where Stella and Scully have a shared apartment but aren’t necessarily living together – I don’t know where, I don’t know when. It’s not important.





	Lioness

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Some talk of depression, from both characters.  
This is not a fluffy sweet story. I tried to make it relatable to some of the wonderful women I know and I'm sorry if it will make you cry. I hope it's somewhat therapeutic as well.
> 
> A huge thanks to *everyone* who keeps leaving lovely comments I feel I don't deserve. I get so inspired by it and it's the most wonderful thing to read when you're not sure you've done characters justice. Thank you, I appreciate you.

_“I'll kiss away your troubles like Magdalena kissed her superstar_

_She was of the holy kind but I'm a standout jaguar”_

Carice van Houten – YOU.ME.BED.NOW

Stella jumped a little as she heard a key loudly in the lock of their apartment. It was a sound she was still getting used to hearing when she was with Dana, the shrill and cold noise of metal locking into place to knock something else out of place. She closed her laptop and waited for Dana to appear from behind the hallway door. ‘Hey,’ she called when she saw no sign of her. ‘Hi,’ Scully called back listlessly, and Stella’s heart spurred her body into action when she heard Dana’s bag hit the floor.

She didn’t ask what was wrong. Dana wouldn’t tell her, not now – she’d just tell Stella she was fine, throw her a look and withdraw into the bathroom for a few minutes only to come out composed and closed off and that was the last thing Stella wanted. She knew Dana hadn’t been feeling great recently, she’d seen it in the way she dressed, felt it in the way they kissed and made love – an arm covering her stomach in a defensive stance here, a turned back there, a small peck on her cheek instead of a goodbye kiss that left a tingling sensation in both of them, all the signs were pointing to Dana going through a rough time. Only Stella could do nothing but offer support, unwavering and undemanding, and that’s what she’d been doing only it hadn’t been enough. Dana wasn’t okay and it hurt Stella to see her like that. Stella knew it wasn’t about her, she was certain of that as Dana hadn’t made an effort to tell her that it was or wasn’t. That meant that she was introspective, dealing with something deep inside her heart that she wasn’t ready to share and Stella knew that feeling very well, only she dealt with feelings differently from Dana and she was frankly at a loss on how to approach Dana about it, so she had decided to let Dana come to her instead. Stella trusted that when she was ready, she would.

As soon as she turned the corner into the hallway she knew tonight might be the night. She saw it in the way Dana stood with her slumped shoulders leaning against the wall, her shoes kicked off in front of her and her back haphazardly tossed into a corner. Scully pushed herself off the wall as she saw Stella but her brain decided in a split second not to bother with pretense as her shoulders hung low again. ‘Bad day?’ Stella asked quietly. Scully nodded and threw her an apologetic but sweet smile. ‘Yeah,’ she sighed. ‘We lost a patient today.’ Stella sighed and walked towards her, opening her arms to surround Dana’s small frame with her own. ‘I’m so sorry, Dana.’ ‘I could have saved her,’ Scully whispered softly as she tucked her arms close to Stella’s chest. ‘I could have, but I wasn’t fast enough. She bled out.’ ‘You did everything you could, I’m sure,’ Stella tried to comfort her but she knew it wouldn’t work if Dana didn’t believe it. ‘Don’t blame yourself,’ she added quietly as she released Dana and walked back towards the kitchen. ‘Let’s have a cup of tea and order a pizza.’

Delivery pizza was something Stella had found out about while she was living with Dana and she had learned it to be a true comforter at times like these. ‘I’m not hungry,’ Dana sighed as she followed Stella. ‘I’d rather just take a nap.’ ‘You’ll lose sleep tonight if you nap now,’ Stella warned. ‘I know,’ Scully bent her head, ‘But I really don’t feel like anything else right now.’ Stella’s chin dented as she looked at Dana before nodding. ‘I’ll join you,’ she said resolutely. It wasn’t an offer and she needed Scully to know that. A look of protest crossed Dana’s face in slow-motion but it disappeared, and that fact alone showed Stella how poorly she must be feeling – never in a million years would Dana Scully allow a moment like this to pass without one ounce of protest, even if a nap with Stella was the only thing she wanted. She’d always want to do it on her terms, not like this, without rules or conditions. So when Scully walked past her towards their bedroom Stella’s heart clenched and she followed wordlessly, not knowing what else to do.

Scully turned her back towards Stella and started taking off her blazer but Stella stepped in quickly, pushing Dana’s hands off the dark blue linen fabric of her blazer. ‘Stella…’ Scully protested, but it came out exasperated and weak. ‘I know,’ Stella just said, standing behind her as she carefully pulled the blazer back and off Dana’s arms. ‘Just let me.’ Scully lowered her head and tucked her hair behind her left ear. Stella caught her hand and kissed her slightly trembling knuckles before releasing her again. Dana undid the long zipper of her skirt and pushed them off together with her pantyhose, kicking them off to the floor, not caring if she ripped them. Bare legged she walked to the bed and sat down on the edge, looking at Stella. Stella watched as Dana crossed and uncrossed her arms, sighing a frustrated breath at herself before turning her back and crawling under the covers. Stella felt a surge of deep emotion claw itself through her entire body, hurting her as much as it must be hurting Dana to turn her back like this. She quietly took off her wrap top and pants before joining Dana in her already warm cocoon of safety. Dana had her back turned but Stella didn’t ask her to move, didn’t ask her to do anything for her but be there as she folded herself against Dana’s back. She felt Dana exhale as her shoulder trembled and Stella wondered what caused this unrest in Dana’s body. She knew of it to come and go but recently it seemed to have settled deeply within Scully’s bones and Stella wanted, no, needed it to disappear because she feared that if it didn’t, Dana wouldn’t let her in again.

Dana allowed Stella’s arms to envelop her, but when she felt Stella’s lips on the curve of her neck she angled away. Stella withdrew and settled for holding her close. ‘You can talk to me, you know that right?’ she said softly. Dana nodded, almost unperceivably but Stella caught it and nodded with her. ‘I know you’re not feeling great, and it’s okay,’ Stella continued with a tender, low voice as she felt Dana’s fragile attention hover around her words. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you can’t. But I need you to allow me to be there for you.’ Stella stayed quiet as she felt Dana’s stomach contract and the skin on her back tighten and she knew tears were hurling to the surface. She felt Dana try to hold them in at first but it only took a few seconds for the first sob to escape her desperately locked lips, and it easily broke down a solid dam that had taken days if not weeks to build up. Stella’s lips trembled as she held Dana through her emotional release, catching her, holding her as she threatened to fall freely down a hole she’d dug for herself. Suddenly, wildly, Scully turned around in Stella’s arms. She darted her clear blue eyes across Stella’s face, her brows wrinkled in concentration and sadness, and Stella met her with an expectant and weak smile. ‘Hold me,’ Scully sobbed and Stella tightened her arms around Dana’s back again. ‘Closer,’ Scully’s voice broke and so did Stella’s restraint. She’d been trying to remain strong, to be a pillar of calm amidst Dana’s ocean of confusion but she couldn’t withstand the pressure of Scully’s waves of sadness. Tears ran quietly down Stella’s face and Dana watched them for a second before burying her face in Stella’s bare chest, pushing her nose into the lace rimming the cup of Stella’s bra. ‘Don’t tell me you’re fine,’ Stella managed to say into Dana’s hair. ‘I’ll do anything you need me to do as long as you don’t try to tell me you’re fine.’ Dana swallowed hard, not having expected Stella to voice that so clearly. She nodded her agreement and tried to relax her breathing, huffing warm waves of rhythmically pulsing breath across Stella’s skin for a few long minutes before her body calmed down a little.

‘I’m… Not,’ Scully finally whispered, and it was a sound so faint and soft that Stella wondered for a second if she should pretend she hadn’t heard it at all. However there was expectancy in the way Dana held her breath, and from the way she shifted her chin on Stella’s chest Stella knew she was expecting an answer, so she took another second to carefully consider her next words.

Stella sighed deeply, preparing to accept the consequences should she make a terrible mistake. ‘You will turn this around,’ she said softly. ‘I know maybe it feels like there is no way out of this but I need you to trust me when I say that there is.’ Scully released a huff of breath, causing the hairs on Stella’s skin to stand on end with its icy tone. ‘You don’t need to cure cancer, or save humanity,’ Stella continued carefully. ‘Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.’ ‘I’m not,’ Scully answered adamantly. Stella licked her lips, raising her eyes to the ceiling to ask for any kind of help from above, should there be anyone listening in. She was glad when she didn’t feel Dana tense up, but instead felt her relax her arms and move one of her hands to Stella’s side. ‘You’re amazing, and you’re enough,’ Stella just said as she dropped a kiss in Dana’s hair. She didn’t know what else she could say, so she just held Dana close and hoped Dana’s brain had taken a right turn onto the path back out of its self-inflicted darkness instead of a misty road into the woods where it might, inevitably, get lost.

Minutes stretched on between them and Stella wondered if she’d lost Dana to that nap she’d been carving when suddenly she felt Scully’s tongue against her skin as it snuck out to lick her lips. Dana blew a steadying breath across Stella’s chest as she turned her head and pressed her lips firmly to Stella’s breastbone. ‘I’ll be okay,’ she confirmed somewhat unconvincingly. ‘There’s just a lot going on.’ Stella took a breath, thankful for Dana’s admission granting her access, albeit restricted, to the workings of her worrying mind. ‘Promise me you’ll let me help if I can,’ she asked, hoping it wouldn’t be too much. Scully pressed another kiss to her skin and pushed herself up a bit to lean on her elbow and look down onto Stella’s face. Stella rested her head back, giving Scully the upper hand she knew she probably craved, and she watched as Dana’s lips slowly curled into an accepting smile that held a memory of its former weakness, but also spoke of tenderness and gratitude.

‘Tell me we’ll be okay,’ Dana said, her voice clearer than Stella had heard it in days.

Stella shifted underneath her and pushed herself up, turning her body into Dana’s to grab her hip and push her down onto her back. She sat up next to Scully, who let herself fall back onto the bed, looking up at Stella with a slight crease between her brows. Stella’s eyes roamed Dana’s entire body, watching the curve of her hips and legs as she shifted underneath the blanket. Stella took the soft edge of the cover and threw it to the side with an airy flick of her wrist, exposing Dana’s naked legs to her. ‘Come here,’ she motioned for Dana to sit up and as soon as Scully was close enough Stella reached for the edges of Dana’s shirt and swiftly lifted it off her arms easily. Scully didn’t protest, she just observed Stella without saying a word. It didn’t unnerve Stella, in fact it encouraged her, giving her the space and emotional freedom to express her love for Dana in her own way. She was a physical being, using her body to create feelings and take them, express them, control them like the world wanted to control her but how it never could. She needed Dana to feel that power, the intensity of self-expression through confidence that she’d taught herself but had always wanted to teach every woman she came into contact with that she saw lacked that all-important sense of self-worth. ‘You are in control here,’ she said to Dana, her voice uneven and slightly emotional. Dana found her eyes and a spark ignited between them, both of them feeling the other one could quite possibly save them.

Stella wavered under the pressure of Dana’s intensity and once more allowed her eyes to drink in Dana and everything she was showing her, taking note of every small quiver and muscular movement she saw. Dana pulled her bare knee up slightly, not in an attempt to hide herself, but mostly to have something other to focus on than Stella’s piercing gaze and Stella watched how the movement rippled through Dana’s entire being. Her thigh tensed, her hip shifted and her back curved itself towards Stella, unintentionally but unmistakably. Stella took it for what it was, a careful invitation, a question asked in silent fear but also love – What am I, exactly? And Stella knew the answer. She had known the answer ever since she’d seen Dana Scully up on a stage for the very first time, exuding what she now knew to be a work-related, hard earned kind of solid confidence that had attracted Stella to her with no more chance of resistance or survival than the inevitable rush towards her end. Stella wanted to tell her but she knew words would never suffice. She wanted to show her but she knew if Dana didn’t see her, feel her, and truly hear her she would readily dismiss half of Stella’s affection. Words wouldn’t suffice, no matter how good her intentions would be. They had created their own language over time and Stella knew that might be the only thing strong enough to truly reach Dana, to touch her both physically and emotionally and Stella felt a knot tie itself around her heart with the realization that Dana, who had saved her hundreds of times before, now needed her like she hadn’t needed her before. On some level it scared Stella. On another it humbled and encouraged her. ‘Dana,’ she whispered softly as she sat up on her knees. Her hands came to Scully’s face and Dana covered them with her own, digging her nails into Stella’s hands, keeping her close as Stella kissed her softly. Dana sighed into her mouth, pulling Stella closer to deepen the kiss desperately seeking for connection. Dana moaned and Stella gave her everything, her tongue lavishing Dana’s as her legs straddled the small, strong body beneath her. Dana struggled to push herself up a little, bumping her head back against the headboard as she went. Stella drew back to look at her in slight concern but Scully pulled her back in, bringing her hands to Stella’s hips to pull her closer. ‘I don’t want to talk about it anymore,’ she managed in between kisses and Stella heard her, and she understood.

As Dana drew back for air Stella combed her fingers through Dana’s soft locks, pulling her head back a little, clearing her face and tending to the spot where Dana had hit her head a moment before. She knew it didn’t hurt but she loved the feeling of Dana’s thick hair between her long fingers, its softness, its shade as it seemed to change color in the light of the room. She tenderly brushed Dana’s hair with her hands for a few moments before allowing her fingers to draw faint lines along Dana’s neck and shoulders down to her upper arms. Dana’s skin erupted in goosebumps that followed her every move, like Dana’s eyes, which Stella could almost feel were burning holes in her skin as they jumped from Stella’s face down to her body and back up again. Recently their lovemaking had been rushed, and although it had been satisfying Stella had found Dana to be quieter and more detached than she’d come to expect. At first she’d thought it was the newness wearing off. Then she’d attributed it to the stress in their lives, their clashing schedules and sometimes clashing moods, but deep down she’d already known it was something else. Tonight however Dana seemed to give a little, to let go of all of that and to just want to be with her like they knew they could and Stella was determined to give her everything she wanted. Every part of herself she’d been trying to expose bit by bit she suddenly felt ready to share if it meant that Dana would be okay.

‘You are so important to me,’ Stella said in a hushed voice, her lips close to Scully’s ear. ‘I wish you’d be kinder to yourself.’ Scully shrugged. Stella pushed herself off of Dana and lightly shook her hair back. ‘Lie down on your stomach,’ she said. ‘I want to make you feel good.’ ‘You do,’ Scully said softly, ‘And you really don’t have to do this.’ ‘I want to,’ Stella simply stated and waved towards the bed again in a motion that told Dana loud and clear that ultimately, she did not have a choice. And frankly Dana was sick of making choices. For once, for one evening she wanted to release herself from all of her self-ascribed responsibilities and obligations. She wanted to be in Stella’s arms, in her care and surrounded by her wisdom and transcendent power and strength. She craved it, but would never ask for it – but now that Stella offered she could never refuse. The look in Stella’s eyes told her that Stella understood. And that was all she wanted, and all she needed – someone to understand. Someone to just look at her and see the pain inside, but also the perseverance and ultimate need for survival and to allow her to swim somewhere in the valley of that spectrum before being strong enough to climb her way back up onto the mountain of confidence again. Stella was that person and as Dana turned around and stretched her legs on the bed, kicking the covers away, she knew Stella would be the person on top of that mountain throwing her a rope, but also allowing her to take the journey at her own pace while all the while being there to offer support, or to just be quietly next to her if that was what she required.

Stella gingerly touched her hand to Dana’s back, feeling its warmth and allowing Dana to lie down before her as she silently offered support through her touch. Dana exhaled deeply, her breath shuddering lightly but steadying as she tried to relax and open herself up to Stella’s intentions. Stella sat in the middle of the bed next to her, soothing Dana’s heart rate with light touches to Dana’s shoulder blade and down the curve of her ribs. She didn’t massage other people’s backs often, but Dana’s form was so intimately familiar to her and she wanted to take care of every physical need and desire she could possibly have. She did remember someone doing it for her on occasion, a long time ago, and she remembered most of all the deep connection she’d felt to the other person as they soothed away any worries she might have had at that time. Dana’s worries were deeper, Stella knew that. She also knew that there was no touch magical enough to dissipate the thunderstorm of Dana’s heart, but she had never shied away from a challenge, especially a challenge that involved the peace of mind of the woman she loved more than life itself. Stella leaned over and carefully tucked Scully’s hair to one side, exposing her cheek and neck before placing a gentle peck on the rosy top of Dana’s cheekbone.

Dana’s lip curled up slightly and she closed her eyes. She tucked her hands under the pillow beneath her head and let out a breath before committing herself fully to Stella’s touch. ‘That’s it,’ Stella crooned softly as she leaned over to find Dana’s muscles with her thumbs. Slowly she started to apply pressure, gradually finding out where Dana’s stress was holding her muscles hostage in a tense battle for control. She kneaded softly, watching closely for signs of discomfort on Dana’s face, but all she saw was peaceful surrender and it made her breath hitch in her throat to feel the way Scully so easily and willfully gave up control. So very unlike her, Stella thought, and it pleased and unnerved her in equal measure. Stella heard Dana’s faint whimper as she ran her hands along Dana’s spine, applying pressure to the sides, slowly pushing the air from Dana’s lungs as she went. She worked almost methodically, making sure she touched Dana everywhere, she took care of every muscle and every fiber of Scully’s straining body until she wondered again if Dana had fallen asleep. She kept her hands on the small of Dana’s back, over the Ouroboros that was chasing its own tail in an endless quest for satisfaction. Stella smiled at the irony of it being on Dana’s back before softly pressing a kiss to her spine, then another, allowing her tongue to trace the barely visible lines of Dana’s vertebrae. Dana readjusted her slightly flushed face to look down towards Stella and Stella cast her a grin. ‘Good?’ she asked quietly. Dana just nodded and closed her eyes again, giving Stella permission to go on and to do anything she wanted.

Quick fingers opened the closure of Dana’s simple cotton bra and pushed the clasps to the side, exposing the entire expanse of Dana’s back. Stella pulled the covers down further, all the way off Dana’s feet, and while keeping a close look on Dana’s body language she slowly started sliding her panties down. Scully made a sound but allowed it and Stella guided them all the way along Dana’s calves and off her body to drop them to the floor. She let her hands caress Dana’s bare legs up towards the curve of her ass, softening her touch to let her hands wander back towards Dana’s back. ‘Ok?’ Stella needed to make sure. The last thing she wanted was to venture into the realm of discomfort, especially now, at this time of sheer and utter exposure and vulnerability. Dana turned her head to look at Stella again, her eyes clear and infinitely deep. ‘I didn’t shave,’ she whispered, and Stella almost laughed at the ridiculousness of that simple statement but she caught herself and just shook her head lightly. ‘I honestly don’t give a fuck and neither should you.’ The corner of Dana’s lip curled up and she turned her head again, seemingly reassured with Stella’s bold statement or just too exasperated to care anymore. Stella waited to move until Dana’s shoulders relaxed again, but when they did she quickly discarded of everything but her panties before sitting with her knees on either side of Dana’s legs. Their thighs touched and Stella let her hands travel back down towards Dana’s hips as she lowered her lips to the small of Dana’s back, stroking her sides with feathering fingers as her lips and tongue chased goosebumps up and back down Dana’s body. Her core was shaking in an effort to hold herself up, but it was worth every second of pool time she’d put in recently to see Dana shiver not of cold, or despair, but of desire as Stella ignited fires within her she’d been struggling to light as of late.

They had made love the past weeks. It had been good, but Dana had become less vocal and less open with Stella almost every day. Their last time had been three days ago, and it had only resulted in an orgasm for Stella as Dana had turned her back soon afterwards. She’d caught Stella’s searching hand and pulled it to her tummy instead of allowing it to search lower and Stella had given in quickly, knowing it wasn’t her, but also not knowing how to fix this. Today, she felt like Dana had reached a point where she too could no longer pretend there was nothing wrong. The dam hadn’t exactly broken yet, but there were cracks running all the way down to its foundation and Stella knew she had to be very careful how to break it – but it had to be broken and Stella was the one Dana would allow close enough to do it. She felt Dana’s heart reach out for hers with everything it had, beating only to reach its next beat in an established rhythm that had nothing to do with living but more so with utter survival. Stella pushed her hands up and down Dana’s back again, controlling her breathing for a few beats and masterfully asking Dana’s heartrate to slow down as she pushed and kneaded. ‘I’ll fall asleep,’ Dana murmured with her lips partially buried in the downy pillow. Stella chuckled. ‘You won’t,’ she whispered, her lips close to Dana’s skin. She shuffled back a little and allowed her fingertips to tease along the backs of Dana’s arms and down towards the sides of her breasts. Dana giggled and pulled her arm down a little. Stella lowered her lips and kissed Dana’s arm, counting every freckle, every mark, every tiny hair until Dana stretched it above her head again. ‘I don’t… Stella,’ Scully struggled to get the words out. ‘What’s wrong?’ Stella asked softly, shifting to lie next to Dana and kiss her shoulder. She put her hand on Dana’s back, softly letting her palm flatten and come back up over Dana’s skin in slow circles. Scully eyed her and took a breath before lifting her head slightly. ‘I don’t feel like having sex… Sorry,’ she mumbled. Stella frowned lightly and stopped her movements to just look at Dana for a moment.

Many words crossed Stella’s mind. She wanted to reassure Dana, yell at her, scream at her, whisper sweet nothings to her all night until finally, maybe, she’d hear her and allow Stella to really speak to her. But Stella knew it was no use. Not until Dana was ready, and she wasn’t, not yet. So she just pursed her lips, pressed a kiss to Dana’s temple and resumed her earlier position on Dana’s legs. Scully stayed quiet, unmoving and silent and Stella didn’t know what to make of it until she heard a quiet sob come from the woman beneath her. Stella’s fragile resolve took another beating as she felt Dana’s soft huff reverberate throughout her body and chip away at her heart. ‘Don’t cry,’ she managed softly, but the tears that had started in Dana had quickly traveled their way up to Stella’s throat where they were threatening to overtake everything. Stella watched how Dana registered the tears in her voice and buried her face in her pillow, wanting to hide from the world, from Stella. ‘Dana, it’s ok,’ Stella tried again, soothing the bright ginger hair that was shaking lightly on the pillow. ‘I’m disappointing you,’ Scully said quietly but loud enough for Stella to hear. She turned her head to speak more clearly but kept her eyes closed, not strong enough to face Stella’s sadness. Stella listened, knowing there would be more to come. And then the words came, one by one, stringing together like one disaster after another inevitably and relentlessly following each other on a bad day.

‘I’m not even sure what I’m feeling, Stella... Nothing is going right. Everything feels forced, I don’t feel like I can move and I have no reason. I’m healthy and I’m with you, I should be happy, but I just feel tired... It’s too much, and I don’t know how to fix it.’ Scully sighed and pressed her lips together before continuing. ‘You give me so much, all the time, and I know how hard that is for you and I’m just letting you down, more and more, every day.’ ‘No,’ Stella cut in, softly angling her body to lie next to Dana’s, finding her hand and holding it tightly. ‘Stop that,’ she warned, her voice low and dark. ‘You are so strong and you are so giving. Never doubt that you are enough. I won’t let you.’ Scully huffed. ‘Too late,’ she whispered and Stella put her hand on Dana’s cheek, asking her with a simple touch to look at her. ‘I hate that I feel this way. I’m not supposed to feel this way,’ Dana croaked, trying to hold back her tears.

She slowly opened her eyes and Stella’s were there, right in front of her, open and deep and safe but also hurt. A sob tore itself from Dana’s throat again and Stella’s lip trembled. ‘Don’t cry,’ she asked again, but it was too late as a crack in that well-established dam finally widened and allowed some of the pressure to release. Tears streamed quietly down Dana’s cheeks into the pillow and between Stella’s slender fingers, asking her to soothe them, to brush them away with the ray of sunshine that was her courage and wisdom. Stella smiled weakly at her, allowing her own tears to show, no longer being able to contain them as they continued to fill her eyes until their weight caused tiny raindrops of its own. They had always known they’d be facing bad weather, but they’d always promised each other they would face it together. So if that was all that Dana needed to be reminded of then Stella knew exactly what to do. She sat up again and slowly pushed at Dana’s shoulder, asking her to turn around. She knew Dana probably didn’t want to, but she asked anyway, hoping that Dana knew that what she wanted and what she needed weren’t necessarily the same things. Scully frowned at her, wondering if Stella needed to be reminded of everything she’d said, but she also knew she trusted Stella more than almost anyone in her life. So Scully complied, shifted into the space where Stella usually slept and turned onto her back slowly, letting Stella’s hands wander from her arm across her chest to her other side as she let her body roll flat onto the mattress. ‘Thank you,’ Stella whispered, and Scully watched how Stella intently avoided looking at her body but just focused on her face. ‘You are so much more than you give yourself credit for,’ Stella said, her voice low and sweet but leaving no doubt in Dana’s mind that her words were the undeniable truth. ‘We give each other so much. It’s not just me, or just you, Dana. You know I wouldn’t be here if it were.’ Dana nodded lightly, her tears slowly ceasing as she focused on Stella’s face, her lips, her eyes and her voice and counting on them to guide her through whatever this was.

‘I never expected to be here,’ Stella continued, her voice soft like honey but clear as well. ‘I didn’t want to fall in love. But it happened, and it has been the most beautiful experience of my life. I love you and nothing you can say to me will change that. I just want you to talk to me, tell me what it is that I can do.’ Stella pushed herself up to lean her head in her hand, her elbow placed next to Dana’s head. Dana looked up at her, her eyes sad, but with a glimmer of acceptance and maybe, deep down, hope. She shrugged and blinked slowly. ‘I don’t know what you can do,’ she said. ‘I don’t even know what I need to do.’ ‘Then I’ll be here until you do, and I’ll remind you of your worth every single time you need it,’ Stella said slowly as she lifted her hand to put it down over the naked skin covering Dana’s heart. ‘This beats for a reason,’ she said. ‘Try to remember that.’

‘I don’t want you to have to be my therapist,’ Dana said, still holding Stella’s eyes. Stella smirked at her. ‘Well good, because I’m vastly incapable of that,’ she said. ‘You’ll be clawing your brain out through your ears if I tried to counsel you in any way I’m sure.’ She felt a surge of warmth spread through her as she heard Dana giggle, it being a sound she’d missed dearly. ‘Seriously, though,’ Scully said, softly covering Stella’s hand with her own. ‘If it gets too much, tell me. I’m trying to share but I feel like I’ll be complaining about everything. Tell me if that’s the case.’ ‘I will,’ Stella promised, ‘But you know you won’t be too much. And even if you were complaining I’d still much rather listen to your voice while you do it than not hear you at all.’ Scully smiled and reached up to pull Stella down. She kissed her softly and Stella released the breath she’d been holding, the one that continued to be worried about Dana but that was put at ease a little by the deep feeling she felt in Dana’s kiss. ‘Maybe I’ll take you to see my therapist,’ Stella whispered into Dana’s skin. ‘You’ll like her.’ ‘Really?’ Scully drew back a little. ‘I didn’t know you were still going. ‘It’s not typical therapy,’ Stella grinned. ‘I’ll take you some time.’ Dana hummed and laid her head back.

Stella hesitated for a moment before asking her next question. It had been flowing around her brain for a while and finally she felt like she could, like Dana was ready to talk to her. ‘Do you…. Are you still seeing yours?’ She asked quietly. Scully dropped her hand to her stomach and sighed a deflated sigh. ‘I haven’t been in a while,’ she confessed quietly. ‘I should go back. It’s just too much.’ ‘She’s there to take some of that away,’ Stella reminded her. ‘If you’re honest with her she might be able to take some of your burdens from you.’ ‘I’m not sure if I can be honest with someone like that,’ Scully said as she looked away from Stella’s gaze. Stella propped her head back onto her hand and just listened to Dana’s breathing for a while, letting it set the rhythm of their one-sided conversation. Therapists use this method, she thought, and a smile crossed her face as her brain reminded her it was also an interrogation technique.

Scully continued, like Stella knew she would, feeling uncomfortable but still safe in the silence that stretched on second by second. ‘I mean… I want to, but so much has happened that I don’t want to talk or even think about. Even though it might help it’s still not something I want to rake up.’ ‘You don’t want to disturb the peace at the bottom of the ocean,’ Stella said slowly. ‘Yeah,’ Dana replied. ‘But sometimes the greatest treasures lie buried there,’ Stella continued. ‘It might be worth digging them up, even if they need some polishing first.’ Scully found Stella’s eyes again and smirked. ‘You are quite the philosopher,’ she said, the smile spreading from Dana’s lips across Stella’s face. ‘Told you,’ Stella shrugged lightly, ‘Whatever you need.’

The hand that had been lying over Scully’s heart had moved to entwine with Dana’s fingers on her stomach, and as a comfortable silence stretched between them Dana softly squeezed Stella’s hand. Stella sighed into Dana’s skin and allowed the moment between them to stretch and soften, bringing them closer together and embracing them in a blanket of love and trust instead of the ice cold thunderstorm of denial and doubt that Dana had been fighting recently. She looked down, letting her eyes wander across Dana’s body for a moment, lovingly appreciating everything about her and trying to offer a quiet but much-needed form of support. Scully watched, unflinching but still not really there yet. ‘Stella,’ she directed Stella’s eyes back to hers, ‘please...’

Stella expected Scully to stop her again. To ask her to back off, to stop looking at her even though Stella wanted nothing more than to just put Dana at ease and take away her worries. But as she found Dana’s eyes she saw something else. She saw a change, something primal and true that came from deep within her soul and needed to escape. ‘Please,’ Scully repeated as she covered Stella’s hand with hers and moved it up. ‘I need you to show me.’ Stella hesitated for a moment. She knew this didn’t come from love, it came from despair and she knew she should say no but she didn’t want to fracture the fragile layer of whatever it was that was driving Dana to ask this of her. ‘Dana…’ Stella started. ‘You really don’t want me to do this.’ ‘I do,’ Dana urged. ‘No, you don’t,’ Stella said softly as she removed her hands and sat up on her knees, taking Dana’s hands and kissing the knuckles. ‘I want to, you know I want to but not like this. Not because you need to escape reality and you just want to feel something.’ ‘How is that different from what you do?’ Scully frowned.

Stella’s eyes snapped to Dana’s. Dana frowned defiantly before turning away, but Stella caught her chin in her hand and directed Dana’s face back towards hers. ‘It’s different,’ she emphasized, ‘because I am in control. I know what I want and I know what I need. You’re just… clawing into nothingness right now. Look at me, Dana.’ Scully’s eyes finally landed back on Stella’s. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘Don’t be. There’s nothing to be sorry for.’ ‘Maybe **you** can be in control,’ Dana added quietly, directing her gaze off to the side. Stella kissed her knuckles again and moved to sit back over Dana’s hips with her knees to the side, bringing herself up above Dana. Dana’s head turned to watch Stella’s intentions and finally her gaze fell upon the sheer truth of what was being said, right there, in the form of Stella Gibson straddling her thighs with slumped shoulders and a look of sheer love in her eyes. ‘I do not know how to make you see this,’ Stella mumbled, ‘But you are in control and you can get back from this. You will. It may take a while and it will take hard work, and yes, it will hurt but Dana, I need you to try.’ Stella shifted backwards a little and curled herself against Scully’s body, lying on top of her, covering Dana’s entire body with hers as she tucked her head in the curve of Dana’s collarbone. ‘I need you to try for me,’ she added softly.

Scully held her breath for a beat or two before her body remembered how to function again. She felt so much coming at her, so many mysteries and demands and wishes from so many different angles that her brain just couldn’t figure out how to function without shutting down. I’m scared I’ll fail, she thought, and then when Stella kissed her skin realized she’d said it out loud. It lifted a weight off her shoulders and Scully waited for that heavy sigh that she expected to follow when that weight would settle on Stella’s, but it didn’t, and she dared to speak again. ‘I’m scared I’ll lose everything. My job, my house, my life…’ She sighed deeply. ‘You…’ Stella shifted a bit to free Scully’s arm from underneath her while she tucked her own free arm around Dana’s waist. Scully’s rescued arm came to rest on Stella’s ribs and Stella felt rushes of warmth course through her body as Dana’s fingers softly caressed her skin. Her touch was proof, evidence of Dana’s strength and still-present will to love and live and Stella felt tears come to her eyes at the unintentional confirmation that all wasn’t lost.

‘You will not lose me, I promise you that,’ Stella said slowly and intently. ‘Whatever happens, however much time and space you need, I’ll be there for you whether you feel like you deserve it or not. I’m here because I want to be, you know I wouldn’t have done any of the things I did with you if I didn’t want to do them. My life is so much richer with you in it, and I can only hope I’m one day able to do the same for you.’

Dana pushed her fingers into Stella’s skin, holding her close, wanting to melt and disappear into her if she could but finding it impossible. Somehow everything felt futile, but everything also felt like she should be able to do it and that conundrum hurt the most – it hurt her in her soul where so many unresolved issues were just waiting for the perfect time to rear their ugly heads. She knew feeling too much was better than feeling nothing, she’d had that conversation with Stella before, about a time in Stella’s life where she’d felt nothing whatsoever and how Stella would rather have died than lived another day but somehow Stella had survived. Stella remembered the conversation as well, and especially here and now with Dana’s hands wrapped around her while she was going through so much emotional pain Stella was infinitely grateful for whatever force had kept her from giving up, whether it had been her cowardice, her ego or dumb luck that had kept her from falling off that edge that she’d so carelessly ridden for years. However didn’t know how deep Dana’s pain went and how much of that was issues that had to be resolved or if most of them were just pieces that were a part of her past and would therefore always be a part of their future. Dana needed to talk to someone and if she couldn’t do it to her she’d have to find someone she trusted just enough to show her the darkness that lay within.

‘Where do I start?’ Dana whispered softly into Stella’s hair as she tilted her chin down. She’d relaxed enough to see everything a bit clearer, to see through the haze that had been covering them since the moment she’d stepped into Stella’s arms. It seemed to have lifted a little with the comfort and compassion she as feeling from Stella, coming at her in waves of undeniability and love. ‘That’s for the professionals to decide,’ Stella said, allowing her hand to finally travel along Dana’s skin again now that Dana’s ferocity had died down a little. She caressed Dana’s ribs and up the curve of her breast, methodically mapping her skin with calming and relaxing intentions. Dana sighed and closed her eyes again, pushing her nose into Stella’s wild hair as she planted a kiss there to hopefully show her gratitude. Stella’s heart smiled gently back at her and Stella’s hands translated it effortlessly as her fingers skimmed down to her sides and softly squeezed her waist. ‘All right,’ Dana finally sighed as another tremble of her lips caused Stella to focus on Dana’s every move. ‘I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.’ The shuddering sigh that followed ripped straight through the thin layer of confidence Dana had built up and as her body shook lightly tears started to fall again.

Stella sat up a little and pulled Dana up with her, finding a few of the numerous pillows on Dana’s bed and propping them up against the headboard. She settled against them, pulling Dana to her, tangling their legs and encircling Dana’s entire body with hers as far as she could reach.

‘You’re a lioness, courageous and strong,’ Stella whispered close to her ear, causing a deep shiver to run down her own spine as well. She felt Dana’s body tremble, but in a good way, in a presumably similar sensation as Dana pulled back to find Stella’s eyes. ‘Thank you,’ she mumbled in a slightly hoarse voice filled with ever-changing emotion. Stella shook her head dismissively. ‘Don’t say that. Just promise me that one day you’ll believe me.’

Scully nodded, slightly hesitantly at first but then firmer as Stella’s hands found hers and clasped their fingers together to remind her that together, they were infinitely strong and Stella’s bravery could sustain them both until Scully found hers again. And with Stella’s help she would find it again, she knew that for sure – for every time Stella looked at her like she had tonight Scully regained an ounce of courage, confidence and pride, and even if she didn’t trust herself, she trusted Stella to never stop looking at her like that. Ever.


End file.
